i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
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