having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I have tasted many bathrooms
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
