I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
