Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
