I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
