Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
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he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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