my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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