just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
