I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
