3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
