apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
