only if we run a train.
done.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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