I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
