Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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