Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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