your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
