someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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