Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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