dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
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Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
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I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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