As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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