I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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