my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Randomize
