Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
