I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
