I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
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It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
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The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.