Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
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Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
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Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.