i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.