I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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