I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
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I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
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It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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