It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.