I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
He melted the stem
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.