Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito