You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
