I need to stop coming to work sober
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
