I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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