Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
