You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
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I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
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At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize