I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
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I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
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Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Why can't burritos get me drunk
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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