He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
