I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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