He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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