It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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