I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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