her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
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