Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
