Four minutes until I can fart!
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
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she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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