Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
