Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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