At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
