it's too hot outside to masturbate.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
