I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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