A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
