Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
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All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
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So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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