First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
