her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
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