My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize